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The Best Corny Dad Jokes Of 2023!
(scroll down for corny dad jokes or pick another category instead)
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I saw an ad that said "radio for sale $2, volume stuck on full"
I thought to myself "I can't turn that down".
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Someone glued my deck of cards together.
I don't know how to deal with it.
I tripped over my wifes bra
It appeared to be a booby trap
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For my birthday my children gave me an alarm clock that sweared at me instead of buzzing.
It was quite a rude awakening
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A man was recently hospitalised with 6 plastic horses inside of him.
The doctor is describing his condition as stable.
I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them,
I can also tell if they are standing.
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It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub
It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering.
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never lands.
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I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician. Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.
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A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof. He disappeared without a tres.
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly..
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​​​Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
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I remember as a kid my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing but when I got home, the signs were all there.
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As a lumberjack I know I have chopped down 3,123 trees. How you ask?
Everytime I chop one down I keep a log
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A locksmith had to go to court to give evidence last week.
Apparently he was the key witness.
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Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
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How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?
Look for the fresh prints.
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​How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
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What did Jay-Z call his wife before he married her?
Feyonce
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Chris Hemsworth is Australian and Thor is from space does that make him an Australien
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?
Two wind turbines stand in a field.
One says to the other, "So, what kind of music are you into?"
The other replies, "I'm a huge metal fan."
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Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
A friend just asked if I think Advent Calendars will still be around in ten years' time. Personally, I think their days are numbered.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"
How to nail an interview.
Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?
You: I can perform under pressure
I: Can you give me an example?
Y: *deep breath, clicks fingers, sings* pressure, under pressure
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson and if you don't think that's the best dad joke ever get out of my face
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To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.
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The rotation of earth really makes my day.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Me: There are millions of camels out here in the desert.
Daughter: I can't see any!
Me: That's because they're camelflaged
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
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​I remember when dad used to roll me down the hill in a tyre.
Those were Goodyears
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​What did the scarf say to the hat?
"You hang around here, I'll go on ahead".
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Cop: I am arresting you for illegally downloading the entire wikipedia
Me: Wait! I can explain everything!
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​I bought a wooden car last week. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition..
Wooden start
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​A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow "Mind if I say a word?". The widow replies "Please do". The man clears his throat and says "Bargain". The widow replies "Thanks, that means a great deal" .
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​Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.
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Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
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​My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it may be me.
​I was a doctor for a while but then I quit, I didn't have enough patience.
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If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN.....
They become very angry.
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​All flights at the John Lennon Airport are grounded
Just imagine all the people.
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​I can't believe that I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
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​What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people from Dubai don't like the Flintstones but Abu-Dabby-Doo.
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Kid: "Dad Im cold!"
Dad: "Go stand in the corner, it is 90 degrees"
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​​I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I have to deal with the emotional baggage.
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Did you hear about the new car that you can only drive when you are not talking?
It goes without saying.
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My buddy has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 2 years now. I have never heard either of them laugh though.
It is a very serious relationship.
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I just found out that there is no training for garbage men.
They just pick things up as they go along.
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I have been told that I have a dad bod.
I like to think I am a father figure.
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Last night I watched 2 movies with my wife back to back.
Fortunately I was the one facing the T.V.
There I was this morning, sitting and drinking coffee in my slippers, I thought to myself...
I really need to clean some mugs.
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What does the invisible man have in the centre of his face?
Nobody nose.
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How do dumpsters communicate with each other?
They trash talk.
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A bartender was playing basketball and he missed his freethrow.
He just kept asking for another shot.
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Why was the amputee so sad?
He has recently been defeeted.
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If you ever lock yourself out of your car, just start talking to the lock.
Communication is the key.
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I purchased a new car at the dealership, unfortunately for me the reverse gear doesn't work.
There is no going back now.
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The way my family is structured is extremely toxic.
It is a nuclear family.
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My son just started eating $100 bills.
He has very expensive taste I guess.
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The world tongue twister champion just got arrested for stealing.
I hear that he is goin to be given a really tough sentence.
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Did you hear the joke about the deaf dude?
Neither did he.
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I went to a psychic.
I knocked on her front door.
She yelled "who is it?"
So I left.
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Did you hear about the bloke whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
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I made a belt out of watches, it was a waist of time.
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If at first you don't succeed, never try sky diving.
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I just looked at my ceiling. I am not sure if it is the best ceiling in the world but it is definitely up there.
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Pride is what you feel when your kids net $150 from your yard sale. Panic is what you feel when you realise your car is missing!
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I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in 6 months. On the side of the box it said 3 to 4 years.
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Cop: I am arresting you for downloading the entire wikipedia.
Me: Wait! I can explain everything!
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When I watch the Olympics, I prefer to watch the 100m rather than the long distance events. Does that make me racist?
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I just purchased a book on addiction.
I read it 12 times.
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I had a set of encyclopedia's fall on me.
I only have myshelf to blame.
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I got lost in the forest, fortunately I had a compass with me so I was able to draw perfect circles while I was waiting to be rescued.
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Shop assistant fought off a robber with a labelling gun.
Police are looking for a man with a price on his head.
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The man who invented strepsils has died.
Apparently there will be no coffin at his funeral.
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My dad used to hit me with his camera.
I still have flashbacks
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A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt. He says, "2 drinks please one for me and 1 for the road."
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We all know that you find H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, but do you know what you find on the outside of one?
K9P
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Will glass coffins ever become popular?
Remains to be seen.
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What did the sock say to make the foot go away?
Shoe
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