Keep Laughing Forever with this hilarious collection of Corny Dad Jokes!

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I saw an ad that said "radio for sale $2, volume stuck on full"

I thought to myself "I can't turn that down".

I tripped over my wifes bra

It appeared to be a booby trap

For my birthday my children gave me an alarm clock that sweared at me instead of buzzing.

It was quite a rude awakening

 

 

A man was recently hospitalised with 6 plastic horses inside of him.

The doctor is describing his condition as stable.

 

 

 

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them,

I can also tell if they are standing.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house

The difference is staggering.

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​​​Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

 

 

 

I remember as a kid my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing but when I got home, the signs were all there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As a lumberjack I know I have chopped down 3,123 trees. How you ask?

Everytime I chop one down I keep a log

A locksmith had to go to court to give evidence last week.

Apparently he was the key witness.

 

 

 

 

Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall

I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

Look for the fresh prints.

 

 

 

 

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

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Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.






I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.





Chris Hemsworth is Australian and Thor is from space does that make him an Australien




Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.





How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.





Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.





I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?






Two wind turbines stand in a field.
One says to the other, "So, what kind of music are you into?"
The other replies, "I'm a huge metal fan."






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Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.





Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.





Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.





A friend just asked if I think Advent Calendars will still be around in ten years' time. Personally, I think their days are numbered.





What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant





Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.





What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.





Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.





What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.




I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.




The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.





Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.





This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.





Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"





How to nail an interview.
Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?
You: I can perform under pressure
I: Can you give me an example?
Y: *deep breath, clicks fingers, sings* pressure, under pressure





Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"





What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.





What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.






my friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson and if you don't think that's the best dad joke ever get out of my face







I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.





To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

 




The rotation of earth really makes my day.





I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts





What's brown and sticky? A stick.








Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.





Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.





A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.





I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.





Me: There are millions of camels out here in the desert.
Daughter: I can't see any!
Me: That's because they're camelflaged





Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.





I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.





People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.







What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto







What did the scarf say to the hat?

"You hang around here, I'll go on ahead".









Cop: I am arresting you for illegally downloading the entire wikipedia

Me: Wait! I can explain everything!







I bought a wooden car last week. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition..

Wooden start









A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow "Mind if I say a word?". The widow replies "Please do". The man clears his throat and says "Bargain". The widow replies "Thanks, that means a great deal" .






Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is.






Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.





My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it may be me.






I was a doctor for a while but then I quit, I didn't have enough patience.






If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN.....
They become very angry.





All flights at the John Lennon Airport are grounded
Just imagine all the people.






I can't believe that I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.




What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people from Dubai don't like the Flintstones but Abu-Dabby-Doo.

 






Kid: "Dad Im cold!"
Dad: "Go stand in the corner, it is 90 degrees"

 

 

 

 

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I have to deal with the emotional baggage.

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