We have put together the funniest collection of "Confucius Says" jokes. These jokes have been around for donkeys years and are still classic as ever.
Firstly, who was Confucius? According to National Geographic, "Confucius was a Chinese philosopher, politician, and teacher whose message of knowledge, benevolence, loyalty, and virtue were the main guiding philosophy of China for thousands of years."
Now humans being humans, we took this wise man Confucius's name and added some hilarious one liners of a pretty useless but also a very funny nature.
Let's dive right into the Confucius Says jokes..
Confucius says man who walk in front of car gets tired, man who walk behind car get exhausted.
Confucius says man who not crap for many days must deal with backlog.
Confucius says man who cut self while shaving lose face.
Confucius says man who leap off cliff, jump to conclusion.
Confucius says man with five penises have pants that fit like glove.
Confucius says man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Confucius says man who sneeze without tissue takes matter in own hand.
Confucius says squirrel who runs up lady leg will not find nuts.
Confucius says man who laugh last, probably not get joke.
Confucius says man who live in glass house should get changed in basement.
Confucius says constipated man not give a crap.
Confucius says woman who put man in dog house soon find him in cat house.
Confucius says man who pee against wind going to get his own back.
Confucius says man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Confucius says man with hole in both pockets not feel too cocky.
Confucius says man who pee through screen door is straining himself.
Confucius says man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
Confucius says man who make mistake in elevator wrong on many levels.
Confucius says early bird gets worm but second mouse gets the cheese.
Confucius says virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Confucius says man who fart in church, sit in own pew.
Confucius says many nails needed to make baby crib, only one screw needed to fill it.
Confucius says man who enter diarrhea lottery, winnie the pooh.
Confucius says woman laid in tomb may become mummy.
Confucius says man who eats crackers in bed wake up feeling crumby.
Confucius says romantic kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Confucius says woman who fly upside down, have crack up.
Confucius says man who sleep on bed of nails is holy.
Confucius says man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Confucius says man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Confucius says war not determine who right, war determine who left.
Confucius says lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Confucius says man who go to sleep with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution in hand.
Confucius says inventor of shag carpet make big pile.
Confucius says man who want pretty nurse must be patient.
Confucius says prostitute who like bondage, strapped for cash.
Confucius says wise man does not eat yellow snow.
Confucius says forgiveness is devine but never pay full price for late pizza.
Confucius says man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Confucius says American baseball all wrong, man with 4 balls cannot walk.
Confucius says man who throw dirt losing ground.
Confucius says ant which rest on toilet bowl get pissed off.
Confucius says man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Confucius says man with two feet planted firmly on ground has difficult time putting on pants.
Confucius says man who fishes in other man’s well, often catch crab.
Confucius says man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.
Confucius says man who walks with head held high will not see dog poop on footpath,
Confucius says man who kisses girl’s behind, get crack in face.
Confucius says man who wears tight pants is like cheap hotel, no ballroom.
Confucius says woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
Confucius says house without toilet is uncanny.
Confucius says it good to meet girl in park, but better to park meat in girl.
Confucius says girl who sit on lap of judge, get honorable discharge.
Confucius says wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Confucius says wise man not play leapfrog with unicorn.
Confucius says woman who sinks in man’s arms soon has arms in man’s sink.
Confucius says man who drives like hell bound to get there.
Hopefully you enjoyed all of these wise words and jokes from Confucius, some pretty solid advice with a sprinkling of humor.
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