Keep Laughing Forever with these hilariously funny Aussie Jokes!
(Bookmark us! - we are constantly adding new jokes)
Some of these jokes take the piss out of Australians, if you are an Aussie then you may find the "Kiwi Jokes" section a little funnier ;)
Q: Why do koalas make for such a bad husband?
A: Because he eats, roots, shoots and leaves.
Q: What do ya call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A: A bloody pouch potato!
Q: What do Aussies put in their pockets that others throw in the bin?
A: Snot. (eeewwww!)
My Aussie mate hit a bloody roo in his car the other day. I told him "mate, it doesn't matter where it occurs, domestic violence is just never okay."
Q: Why do mummy kangaroos always hate wet days?
A: Because their kids play inside. (sounds painful)
Q: What is a kangaroos favourite kind of music genre?
A: Hip Hop
Q: Why is there no way Jesus was born in Australia?
A: There is no 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: What did the Aussie fella do after he finished raking the leaves?
A: He fell outta the bloody tree
Q: Why did the wombat decide to cross over the road?
A: To see his flatmate
Q: What's the difference between the Aussie Rugby team and the Sydney harbour Bridge?
A: Not everyone has walked over the Sydney harbour bridge.
Q: Why aren't the Wallabies team members allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.
Q: Whats the difference between Cinderella and the Wallabies rugby team?
A: Cinderella actually made it to the ball
Q: When is a bear not a bear?
A: When he doesn't have the right koalifications.
Q: What do you call a kangaroo that is a dead set genius?
A: A quantum leap.
Q: What do you call an Aussie that scores well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat
Q: What do you get if you cross breed an Australian with a monkey?
A: Nothing, monkeys know better than that
Q: How do you say sorry to a koala bear?
A: Ensure that you BEAR your heart and soul with feeling.
Q: What is the 8th wonder of the world?
A: An Australian with their mouth shut.
Q: What is an Aussies idea of foreplay?
A: "You awake Sheila?"
An insult for Aussies - "I hope that your chooks turn into Emu's and kick your dunny down."
An Aussie bloke Damian walks into the hardware store and says "I'd like some nails please mate".
The store clerk replies "how long would you like them?"
"Forever if that is ok with you" replies Damian.
An Aussie guy was recently unfortunate to lose a thousand dollars on the big horse race of the year The Melbourne Cup. He was even more unfortunate to lose another thousand dollars on the replay.
An Aussie walks into the bar the other night wearing one thong (flip flop). One patron asks him "What happened mate? Did you lose a thong?" the guy replies, "Nah mate, I found one!".
I travelled to Australia the other week and I was passing through immigration, they said to me "Do you have a criminal record?" I replied "I didn't realise that it was still a requirement to get in here".
A Kiwi fella Steve and an Aussie bloke Wayne headed out fishing one Saturday and started downing a couple of beers on the boat. After a while Aussie Wayne steve says to Kiwi Steve, "mate, If I snuck over to your house and had some wild raunchy sex with your wife while you were out, and she got knocked up and had a child, would that mean that we were related?" Kiwi Steve paused for a while and then says, "Well mate, I'm sure if that would make us related but it sure would certainly make us even!"
Two blokes are having a couple of cold ones in a bar in Sydney, one says to the other "A sheila I met in Sydney the other night gave me a bloody sexually transmitted disease"! His friend says back "geez you're lucky mate, in Adelaide you would have had to pay for it"
Q: What is the very worst thing about being bitten by a red back spider?
A: You are more than likely an Australian.
4 people are sitting together on a train journey through Europe, there was a Kiwi fella, an Australian bloke, a small old granny, and also a hot Swedish lady. The train heads on through a darkened tunnel and a short moment later there everyone can hear the sound of a vicious slap. After the train comes out from the tunnel, the Aussie bloke has a nasty red hand print on his face. Nobody says anything...
The small granny assumes: The Aussie bloke must have felt up the Swedish lady when it was dark and earned himself a slap.
The Swedish lady assumes: The stupid Aussie bloke probably tried to touch me in the dark, but he missed and touched the small granny who in turn slapped his face.
The Aussie bloke assumes: This Kiwi fella must have touched the hot Swedish lady in the dark, then she tried to hit him but she missed and hit me in the face.
The clever Kiwi fella thinks: I'm looking forward to the next tunnel so I can belt that Aussie guy in the face once more.
I met a bloke from Australia who worked in I.T
I asked him "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
What is an Aussies idea of foreplay?
"You awake Sheila?"
Did you hear about the two baked beans that hitchhiked around Australia?
They ended up in Cairns.