Funny Aussie Jokes!

(scroll down for Aussie jokes or pick another category instead)

Australian Jokes

Q: What do you call a kangaroo that is a dead set genius?
A: A quantum leap.

Q: When is a bear not a bear?
A: When he doesn't have the right koalifications.

Q: Why did the wombat decide to cross over the road?
A: To see his flatmate

An Aussie walks into the bar the other night wearing one thong (flip flop). One patron asks him "What happened mate? Did you lose a thong?" the guy replies, "Nah mate, I found one!".

Q: How do you say sorry to a koala bear?
A: Ensure that you BEAR your heart and soul with feeling.

I met a bloke from Australia who worked in I.T
I asked him "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

Did you hear about the two baked beans that hitchhiked around Australia?
They ended up in Cairns.

Q: Why do koalas make for such a bad husband?
A: Because he eats, roots, shoots and leaves.

I just watched an Aussie cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised... Usually Aussies boo meringue.

You Know You're Australian When Jokes

You know you're Australian when...

most of the words you know end in "o" such as arvo, servo, bottlo, supo, garbo.
you know that there is a difference between thongs and underwear.
stubbies are things that can either be worn by blokes or drunk.
a place called "woop woop" is not actually a place but is very far from civilisation.
calling someone "mate" is a completely appropriate term to call anyone in Australia be they male or female.
you answer most questions by saying "no worries" or "no drama".
when you know the national anthem but have no idea what "girt" means.
you know the best place to get a cooked sausage is Bunnings.
you greet people by saying garn.

Watch the most Aussie bloke you have ever seen give a hilarious interview on the Today show about a car crash. Not all heroes wear capes!

Jokes About Australians

These jokes make fun of Aussies, if you are an Aussie then you may find our "Kiwi Jokes" section a little funnier ;)

What is the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider?

You are probably Australian.

Q: Why is there no way Jesus was born in Australia?
A: There is no 3 wise men or a virgin.

If hell is red, hot, dry and mainly empty, how do Aussies know when thy are dead.

Q: What did the Aussie fella do after he finished raking the leaves?
A: He fell outta the bloody tree

Q: What's the difference between the Aussie Rugby team and the Sydney harbour Bridge?
A: Not everyone has walked over the Sydney harbour bridge.

Screenshot_2019-06-10 'Straya Thongs' T-

-Straya-Strong-Kangaroo-Tri-blend-T-Shirt-for-Sale-by-warrant311-Redbubble.png

Q: Why aren't the Wallabies team members allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: Whats the difference between Cinderella and the Wallabies rugby team?
A: Cinderella actually made it to the ball

Q: What do you call an Aussie that scores well on an IQ test?
A: A cheat

Q: What do you get if you cross breed an Australian with a monkey?
A: Nothing, monkeys know better than that

Q: What is the 8th wonder of the world?
A: An Australian with their mouth shut.

Q: What is an Aussies idea of foreplay?
A: "You awake Sheila?"

An insult for Aussies - "I hope that your chooks turn into Emu's and kick your dunny down."

An Aussie bloke Damian walks into the hardware store and says "I'd like some nails please mate".
The store clerk replies "how long would you like them?"
"Forever if that is ok with you" replies Damian.

An Aussie guy was recently unfortunate to lose a thousand dollars on the big horse race of the year The Melbourne Cup. He was even more unfortunate to lose another thousand dollars on the replay.

I travelled to Australia the other week and I was passing through immigration, they said to me "Do you have a criminal record?" I replied "I didn't realise that it was still a requirement to get in here".

A Kiwi fella Steve and an Aussie bloke Wayne headed out fishing one Saturday and started downing a couple of beers on the boat. After a while Aussie Wayne steve says to Kiwi Steve, "mate, If I snuck over to your house and had some wild raunchy sex with your wife while you were out, and she got knocked up and had a child, would that mean that we were related?" Kiwi Steve paused for a while and then says, "Well mate, I'm sure if that would make us related but it sure would certainly make us even!"

Two blokes are having a couple of cold ones in a bar in Sydney, one says to the other "A sheila I met in Sydney the other night gave me a bloody sexually transmitted disease"! His friend says back "geez you're lucky mate, in Adelaide you would have had to pay for it"

Q: How do you tell if an Australian is lying?

A: His mouth is open.

Q: What is the very worst thing about being bitten by a red back spider?
A: You are more than likely an Australian.

4 people are sitting together on a train journey through Europe, there was a Kiwi fella, an Australian bloke, a small old granny, and also a hot Swedish lady. The train heads on through a darkened tunnel and a short moment later there everyone can hear the sound of a vicious slap. After the train comes out from the tunnel, the Aussie bloke has a nasty red hand print on his face. Nobody says anything...

The small granny assumes: The Aussie bloke must have felt up the Swedish lady when it was dark and earned himself a slap.

The Swedish lady assumes: The stupid Aussie bloke probably tried to touch me in the dark, but he missed and touched the small granny who in turn slapped his face.

The Aussie bloke assumes: This Kiwi fella must have touched the hot Swedish lady in the dark, then she tried to hit him but she missed and hit me in the face.

The clever Kiwi fella thinks: I'm looking forward to the next tunnel so I can belt that Aussie guy in the face once more.

What is an Aussies idea of foreplay?
"You awake Sheila?"

Q: What do Aussies put in their pockets that others throw in the bin?
A: Snot. (eeewwww!)