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Funny Insult Jokes And Mean Jokes!
(scroll down for insults or pick another category instead)
Before we get into the funniest insults ever...
What are Insult Jokes?
Insult jokes are funny mean jokes and mean insults which make fun of someone, the joke may make fun of someone's appearance but there are many other ways to offend someone and that is exactly what an insult joke does.
Why tell an Insult Joke?
It offends someone and hopefully makes them laugh a little too. Insult Jokes are mean jokes and mean insults but are also meant to be funny, they are definitely the best insults.
Who should you tell an Insult Joke to?
These jokes are funny insults for friends! Be very careful who you tell an insult joke to or you may end up really offending someone or even worse, you may end up with a black eye after telling a funny mean joke! We recommend telling them to friends who have a good sense of humour.
Now, into the good disses, diss jokes and funny roasts to say...
You're So Fat Insult Jokes - Fat Jokes
You're so fat that when you got on the scales they said "I need your weight not your phone number"
You're so fat that an oragami crane has less folds than you.
You are so fat that when you wear a yellow raincoat people shout out "taxi"
You're so fat, the photo I took of you last christmas is still printing.
You're so fat that when you want to iron your pants, you have to go out to your driveway.
You're so fat that when you get dressed you have to use a boomerang to put your belt
You're so fat that your favourite necklace is the food chain.
You're so fat that when you lay down on some memory foam and it immediately forgot everything.
You're so fat that when you fell over noone was laughing but the ground sure was cracking up.
You are so fat that when you step on the scales it says "to be continued".
You are so fat that you don't need the internet, you are already worldwide.
You're so fat that when you went sunbathing at the beach, greenpeace came along and pushed you back in the ocean.
You are so fat that your butt has it's own zip code.
You are so fat that when you go out to check your letterbox, it measures 8 on the Richter scale.
You are so fat that the cops took you in for for carrying 50 kilos of crack.
You are so fat not even Dora could explore you.
You eat food so aggressively that your fitbit thinks that you are exercising.
Fat Joke Comebacks
Guy Telling Fatboy Joke: Hey fat kid, why are you so damn fat?
Fatboy: Because every time I sleep with your mother she gives me a cake.
I'm not fat, I'm hot and everyone knows that things expand when they are hot, it's science.
I can always lose some weight, but you will always be a donkeys ass.
Be extremely careful, I ate the last person who said a fat joke to me.
Yes I have gained weight, I have also gained more brains, do you want some? You talk like you definitely need some more.
You're So Ugly Insult Jokes - How To Roast Someone Ugly
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
You're so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.
You're so ugly that when you tried to enter an ugly contest the judges said, "sorry, no professionals".
You're so ugly that when you were born they had to put dark tints on your incubator.
Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you they don't laugh.
You're so ugly that blind people cry when you walk past them.
You're so ugly that when you walk into your local bank they have to turn off the security cameras so they don't break.
You are so ugly that when you look at the mirror, your reflection throws up.
You're so ugly that when you went to the haunted house you came out with a job application.
You're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.
You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking just in case I start seeing two of you.
You're so ugly, you look like someone tried to put out a face fire with a bike chain.
You're so ugly that your mum takes you to work with her everyday just so that she doesn't have to kiss you goodbye.
You are so ugly that your portraits hang themselves.
You're so ugly that instead of seeing a doctor when you get sick, you go to the local vet.
You're so ugly that when you stuck your head outside your car window, you were arrested by the police for mooning.
You're so ugly that whenever you sit down on sand all the nearby cats come and try to bury you.
You are so ugly that when you went swimming the tide wouldn't bring you back to shore.
You're so ugly that when you were born your mother asked "how does my little treasure look", and the doctor replied, I think we should bury it immediately.
You're so ugly that people don't mind when you park your car in the handicapped spot.
You're so ugly that even the police sketcher was too scared to draw you.
You're so ugly that as soon as your mother went into labor, all of the hospital staff went on strike.
You're so ugly that Freddy Krueger has nightmares about your face.
You are so ugly that you make onions cry.
You are so ugly that you made Kanye West go East just so that he didn't need to see your face.
You look like something I drew with my left hand.
Your face looks like I drew it with my left hand.
You are so ugly that when you entered your dog in an ugly dog contest, they gave you a ribbon and a scratch behind the ear.
You're So Stupid And You're So Dumb Insult Jokes
Dumb People Jokes
You're so dumb that when you heard it was chilly outside you ran and got a bowl and spoon.
I am not saying that you are stupid, just that you are constantly unlucky when you try thinking.
If you were any slower, you would need watering once a week.
Somewhere out there a village is missing it's idiot.
You're so dumb that you thought a quarterback was a refund.
The IQ chart doesn't go below 75. You can stop trying to go lower.
A school teacher wanted to educate her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One child in her class stood up and the teacher was really surprised. She didn’t anticipate that anyone would stand up so she asks him, “Why did you stand up?” He answers, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
You're so stupid that you climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
You are so stupid you didn't even pass your birth certificate.
You are so stupid that if we were invaded by zombies, you would be completely safe because zombies eat brains.
You are so dumb that when you were driving to disneyland you saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so you turned around and went home.
You are so stupid that when someone stole your television set you quickly ran outside and yelled out "hey buddy! you forgot the remote control!"
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a pineapple at his face.
If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
What is 1+1?
You're So Hairy Insult Jokes
You're so hairy that when you come out of the shower it is like Gorillas In The Mist.
You are so hairy that when you went hiking in the mountains, another sighting of Bigfoot was immediately reported.
You are so hairy that when you take your dog out for a walk, you always get pet by strangers before him.
You are so hairy that when you went to the zoo they locked you in the gorilla cage.
You are so hairy that you need to use a chainsaw to shave your legs.
You are so hairy that when you went skydiving, everyone thought you were a magic carpet.
You are so hairy that when you shaved your body you lost 20kg.
You are so hairy that last year a couple of birds made nests in your armpits and you still don't know about them.
You're so hairy that when you went to the beach everyone told you to take off your fur coat.
You're So Old Jokes
You're so old that you owe Moses a dollar.
You're so old that your tax file number is 1.
You're so old that you voted for god.
You are so old that when you pass away, there will be a worldwide race between paleontologists to dig you up.
You're so old that if someone told you to act your age, it would kill you.
You're so old that there is a photo of Jesus in your yearbook.
You're so old that you used to ride a dinosaur to school.
You're so old that you fart dust and pee rust.
I couldn't live without the internet, but then I think, you lived without the wheel.
You're so old that you are still impressed when you see colour television.
You're so old that when you had science class the only elements on the periodic table were earth, wind, water and fire.
You're so old that the big bang nearly made you go deaf.
You are so old that you preordered the bible.
You are so old that you remember when BK was a burger prince.
You're so old that you used to get your fruit and vegetables from the Garden of Eden.
You're so old that when you visited the museum, they offered you a full time position as a living exihibit.
You're so old that you send all your text messages in morse code.
You're So Poor Jokes
You're so poor that you can't even afford to pay attention.
You're so poor that when you were kicking a can down the street the other day a stranger asked if you were moving.
You're so poor that when you go to the park, the ducks throw bread at you.
You're so poor that you go to the rubbish dump with your grocery list.
You are so poor that Nigerian princes send you money.
You are so poor that you lose weight when you pick up your wallet.
You are so poor that you go to the changing rooms in a department store and ask for spare change.
You are so poor that when someone stepped on a lit match in your house you screamed out "who turned off my heating?"
You are so poor that you go to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.
You're so poor that for Christmas your mother cut a hole in your pants so you would have something to play with on Christmas day.
You are so poor that on hot summer days you wave a popsicle around in the air to air condition your house.
You are so poor that you have multiple email accounts, just so that you are able to eat the spam.
You are so poor that when you were walking down the road with one shoe on and somebody asked you "did you lose a shoe?" you replied "no I found one".
You are so poor that instead of buying a bidet, you just do handstands in your shower.
More Funny Insult Jokes
Those teeth look like you could eat an apple through a tennis racquet.
You have an extremely kind face, the kind you throw bricks at.
Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
No I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.
You're so fake, Barbie is jealous.
I’m jealous of people that don’t know you!
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
You must have been born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
Brains aren't everything. In your case they're nothing.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Roses are red, violets are violet, my life is better, without you inside it.
The roses have gone, the flowers are dead, the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
Someday I am sure that you will go far. For everyone elses sake we hope that you stay there.
When I see your face there is not one thing that I would change, apart from the direction that I was walking in.
You are the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
If you ran like your mouth does you would beat Usain Bolt in a running race.
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
If only closed minds came with closed mouths
Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, your in the way.
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
Some babies were dropped on their heads but you were clearly thrown at a wall.
Don't like my sarcasm, well I don't like your stupid.
Why don't you go play in traffic.
Please shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.
I'd slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
Stop trying to be a smart ass, you're just an ass.
The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If ugly were a crime, you'd get a life sentence.
Your mind is on vacation but your mouth is working overtime.
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma.
If you are going to be 2 faced, at least make one of them pretty.
You remind me of a penny, 2 faced and not worth very much at all.
Keep rolling your eyes, perhaps you will find a brain back there.
All day I thought of you...... I was at the zoo.
You have "mint" breath. Mint to brush your teeth and forgot.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
Q: Have you ever seen a jackass wrapped in plastic?
A: Show me your license.
You are similar to Rapunzel however instead of letting your hair down, you let down everybody you know.
You should really carry a plant around with you to replace the oxygen that you waste when you speak.
When you were circumcised they threw away the wrong bit.
You are like a mobile phone update, when I see you I think "not now".
If you listen really carefully you can actually hear me not caring at all.
You Built Like Insult Jokes
You built like a crazy straw.
You built like a sea cucumber
You built like a bottle of Ranch.
Your nose built like a Tonka Truck