Keep Laughing Forever with these hilariously Funny Sexist Jokes!
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Sexist Jokes About Men
Why are men like lawn mowers?
They are very hard to get started, they make yucky smells and half the time they don’t even work.
How are men like a lino floor?
If you are able to lay them correctly the first time, then you are able able to walk all over them for the next twenty five years.
One big difference between men and women is that when women say "smell this", it usually smells nice.
What are the four words which are a sure fire way to demolish a mans ego?
“Is it in yet?”
How are you able to tell when a man is sexually aroused?
He is breathing.
What’s the difference between men and term deposits?
Term deposits eventually mature.
What’s the difference between a catfish and a boyfriend?
One is a filthy scum-sucking, crap-eating, bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.
What is it that makes men chase women which they have no intention of marrying?
The very same urge that makes dogs chase cars which they have no intention of driving.
What do anniversaries, the toilet bowl and the clitoris all have in common?
Men usually miss all of them.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why is it so hard for men to make eye contact with a woman?
Boobs don't have eyes.
What is a man's process for sorting out their laundry?
Disgusting, dirty, dirty but wearable.
Why is it so hard for women to blink during foreplay?
There just isn’t enough time.
What is the name for the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?
What do both men and public toilets have in common?
They’re both either busy or full of shit.
What would it take to get a man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.
A man enters heaven and asks God a question, “Excuse me God, why did you decide to make women so beautiful?” God replied, ”So men would love them.”
The man then asks, “Then tell me God, why on earth did you make women so dumb?” God immediately replied, “So they would love you.”
How do you know when a man is about to say something smart?
When he starts his sentence with, "A woman once told me.."
When a woman says "What?", it is not because she didn't hear you. She is actually giving you a second chance to change what you said.
Me: "Why did you marry me?"
My wife: "Because you are so funny".
Me: "I thought it was because I am so good in bed"
My Wife: "You see? You are hilarious"
Sexist Jokes About Women
I had to go get more tablets for my dishwasher,
she had a headache.
Why don't women need to wear a watch?
Because there is a clock on the stove.
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it becomes?
Why does a woman wear white at her wedding?
The dishwasher should always match the stove and fridge.
Why do husbands usually die before their wives?
Because they want to!
Cop: "Excuse me Miss, but swimming in the lake is not permitted."
Woman: "Why didn't you mention this to me when I was getting undressed?
Cop: "Well, because that is permitted."
Is google a man or a woman?
A woman of course, because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a recommendation.
A passenger plane is flying through the air when it loses all engines. Before the plane crashes a woman traveller stands up and screams out "I want to die feeling like I am a woman!!"
She proceeds to rip off all her clothes and says "Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a woman?"
A bloke in the back stands up, rips off his shirt and says "iron this!".
A lady had been taking golf lessons and was playing her very first round of golf when she was unfortunately stung by a bee. She was in agony and decided to head back to the clubhouse to get some medical help.
Her golf instructor saw her heading back and asked "you were only out there ten minutes, why are you back so soon? what is the matter?"
The lady replied "A bee stung me!"
The instructor asked "Where abouts?"
The lady replied "Between the first and the second hole".
The instructor knowingly nods his head and replies "Your stance is a little too wide".
What is 6 inches wide, 2 inches wide and drives women absolutely crazy?
I would say "get back in the kitchen", but I'm not going to because all the best chefs in this world are men too.
Would you like to hear a joke?
How did doctors come up with the medical term "PMS"?
"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
A man is being arrested by a woman police officer, she says to him, "Anything that you say can and will be held against you."
The man then replies, "Boobs please!"
What is the useless skin around the outside of the vagina called?
Tinder is for rookies!
Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It will show you recently divorced females.
From there you can filter by size.
Jokes About Marriage
My wife just stopped and said "You weren't even listening were you"
I thought, that is a pretty weird way to start a conversation.
A man approaches a gorgeous woman in a department store and says to her "I have lost my wife somewhere in here, would you be able to talk to me for a little while".
The woman replies "ok, but why?"
The man then says "Because everytime I talk to a gorgeous lady my wife appears out of nowhere."
Love may be blind but marriage is a complete eye opener.
There are only 2 occasions where a man is unable to understand a woman, before marriage anafter marriage.
Definition of a successful husband - A man who earns more than his spouse can spend.
Definition of a successful wife - A lady who is able to find such a man.
Definition of a psychiatrist - An expensive therapist that will provide you with answers which your wife will give you for free.
Little Johnny asks his dad "How much does it cost to get married dad?"
His dad replies " Well son, I'm not too sure, you see I am still paying for it."
Little Johnny says to his dad "I am going to get married"
Dad: "That is great, do you have a little girl lined up Johnny?'
Johnny: "Yeah, Nana. She is an excellent cook, she loves me and tells amazing bedtime stories"
Dad: "Unfortunately you can't marry her son"
Johnny: "What is the problem Dad?"
Dad: "Well she is my mother, and you are not allowed to marry my mother Johnny."
Johnny: "Why is that? You married mine"
Jim and Bob were at the pub when Jim says "Some prick stole my credit card the other day"
Bob replies "Did you report it to the police?"
Jim says "I was going to but I dont' think I will"
Bob replies "Why on earth not?"
Jim then says "Well the thief appears to be spending less than what my wife does".