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Keep Laughing Forever with these Funny Sexist Jokes!
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Sexist Jokes About Men
These one liner jokes about men are harsh but very funny, don't worry guys, there are jokes about women further below. These are jokes for women to use!
Why are men like lawn mowers?
They are very hard to get started, they make yucky smells and half the time they don’t even work.
How are men like a lino kitchen floor?
If you are able to lay them correctly the first time, then you are able able to walk all over them for the next twenty five years.
One big difference between men and women is that when women say "smell this", it usually smells nice.
What are the four words which are a sure fire way to demolish a mans ego?
“Is it in yet?”
How are you able to tell when a man is sexually aroused?
He is breathing.
What’s the difference between men and term deposits?
Term deposits eventually mature.
What’s the difference between a catfish and a boyfriend?
One is a filthy scum-sucking, crap-eating, bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.
What is it that makes men chase women which they have no intention of marrying?
The very same urge that makes dogs chase cars which they have no intention of driving.
What do anniversaries, the toilet bowl and the clitoris all have in common?
Men usually miss all of them.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Why is it so hard for men to make eye contact with a woman?
Boobs don't have eyes.
What is a man's process for sorting out their laundry?
Disgusting, dirty, dirty but wearable.
Why is it so hard for women to blink during foreplay?
There just isn’t enough time.
What is the name for the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?
How many blokes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds onto the lightbulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do both men and public toilets have in common?
They’re both either busy or full of shit.
What would it take to get a man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.
A man enters heaven and asks God a question, “Excuse me God, why did you decide to make women so beautiful?” God replied, ”So men would love them.”
The man then asks, “Then tell me God, why on earth did you make women so dumb?” God immediately replied, “So they would love you.”
How do you know when a man is about to say something smart?
When he starts his sentence with, "A woman once told me.."
Why are men similar to lawnmowers?
They are really difficult to get going, they let off a nasty smell, and half of the time they don't even work.
What is the best way to get a man to stop chewing on his nails?
Make him keep his shoes on.
Why does god only let 5% of men into heaven?
Because if god let any more in, it would be hell.
When a woman says "What?", it is not because she didn't hear you. She is actually giving you a second chance to change what you said.
Me: "Why did you marry me?"
My wife: "Because you are so funny".
Me: "I thought it was because I am so good in bed"
My Wife: "You see? You are hilarious"
Sexist Jokes About Women - Chauvinistic Jokes
The best collection of one liner jokes about women. These jokes insult womens rights and won't earn you any brownie points with the ladies so be careful who you tell these chauvinistic jokes to or you may end up with a slapped face! These are jokes for men!
Do you want to hear a ridiculously funny joke?
I had to go get more tablets for my dishwasher,
she had a headache.
Why don't women need to wear a watch?
Because there is a clock on the stove.
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it becomes?
Why does a woman wear white at her wedding?
The dishwasher should always match the stove and fridge.
How can you get your dishwasher to shovel your driveway?
Just hand her a shovel.
Why do husbands usually die before their wives?
Because they want to!
Cop: "Excuse me Miss, but swimming in the lake is not permitted."
Woman: "Why didn't you mention this to me when I was getting undressed?
Cop: "Well, because that is permitted."
Is google a man or a woman?
A woman of course, because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a recommendation.
A passenger plane is flying through the air when it loses all engines. Before the plane crashes a woman traveller stands up and screams out "I want to die feeling like I am a woman!!"
She proceeds to rip off all her clothes and says "Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a woman?"
A bloke in the back stands up, rips off his shirt and says "iron this!".
A lady had been taking golf lessons and was playing her very first round of golf when she was unfortunately stung by a bee. She was in agony and decided to head back to the clubhouse to get some medical help.
Her golf instructor saw her heading back and asked "you were only out there ten minutes, why are you back so soon? what is the matter?"
The lady replied "A bee stung me!"
The instructor asked "Where abouts?"
The lady replied "Between the first and the second hole".
The instructor knowingly nods his head and replies "Your stance is a little too wide".
What is 6 inches wide, 2 inches wide and drives women absolutely crazy?
I hate it when guys say that a women belongs in the kitchen. How on earth is she going to clean the rest of the house from there.
I would say "get back in the kitchen", but I'm not going to because all the best chefs in this world are men too.
Why did god give women such small feet?
It makes it easier for them to stand closer to the kitchen bench.
Would you like to hear a joke?
What is the best thing to do if your wife loses her legs?
Lower the kitchen bench.
Why don't women need a drivers licence?
Because there are no streets between the kitchen and the laundry.
How did doctors come up with the medical term "PMS"?
"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
A man is being arrested by a woman police officer, she says to him, "Anything that you say can and will be held against you."
The man then replies, "Boobs please!"
What is the useless skin around the outside of the vagina called?
Tinder is for rookies!
Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It will show you recently divorced females.
From there you can filter by size.
If my girlfriend made a dollar every time I told a sexist joke, she would be $0.77 richer right now.
If a tree falls on a woman and she is all alone so nobody can hear her complain, does she still make a sound?
A better question is, why on earth is there a tree growing in the kitchen.
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, feminists are unable to change anything.
Why does Beyonce sing "to the left, to the left"?
Because women don't have any rights.
Why don't women need a drivers licence?
There is no road from the bedroom to the kitchen.
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
Jokes About Marriage
My wife just stopped and said "You weren't even listening were you"
I thought, that is a pretty weird way to start a conversation.
A man approaches a gorgeous woman in a department store and says to her "I have lost my wife somewhere in here, would you be able to talk to me for a little while".
The woman replies "ok, but why?"
The man then says "Because everytime I talk to a gorgeous lady my wife appears out of nowhere."
Love may be blind but marriage is a complete eye opener.
There are only 2 occasions where a man is unable to understand a woman, before marriage anafter marriage.
Definition of a successful husband - A man who earns more than his spouse can spend.
Definition of a successful wife - A lady who is able to find such a man.
Definition of a psychiatrist - An expensive therapist that will provide you with answers which your wife will give you for free.
Little Johnny asks his dad "How much does it cost to get married dad?"
His dad replies " Well son, I'm not too sure, you see I am still paying for it."
Little Johnny says to his dad "I am going to get married"
Dad: "That is great, do you have a little girl lined up Johnny?'
Johnny: "Yeah, Nana. She is an excellent cook, she loves me and tells amazing bedtime stories"
Dad: "Unfortunately you can't marry her son"
Johnny: "What is the problem Dad?"
Dad: "Well she is my mother, and you are not allowed to marry my mother Johnny."
Johnny: "Why is that? You married mine"
Jim and Bob were at the pub when Jim says "Some prick stole my credit card the other day"
Bob replies "Did you report it to the police?"
Jim says "I was going to but I dont' think I will"
Bob replies "Why on earth not?"
Jim then says "Well the thief appears to be spending less than what my wife does".
My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.
That is ridiculous! I didn't even know it was her birthday.
It is my wife's birthday tomorrow, she has been leaving jewelry catalogues all around the house so I bought her a magazine stand..
Bob's wife is nude and looking at herself in the mirror. She says to him "Bob, look at me, I am old and wrinkly, I am fat and saggy plus my teeth look yellow and awful. I could really use a compliment from you right about now."
Bob turns to her and says "Your eyes seem to be perfect."
My wife is amazing, she never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows. But her bird collecting is starting to get out of control.
Free marriage tip: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she is mowing the lawn.
My wife wants me to blow air on her when she overheats, but to be honest....
I'm not a fan.
I spent hours cutting this ladies lawn, and then she refused to pay me. When I asked why, she said..
Because we are married.
My wife says she is leaving me because of my obsession with supermarkets.
I said "would you like any help with packing"
My wife was going through her wardrobe and said "look!, this still fits me after 20 years"
I replied "It's a scarf."
A man is walking down the street at 3am when he is stopped by the police. The police ask him where he is going at this hour to which the man replies "I am heading to a lecture on alcohol abuse and the effects which it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The police then respond "really? who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies "that would be my wife."
The bloke sitting next to me at the bus stop pulled out a photograph of his wife and turned to me and said "she is gorgeous isn't she?"
I replied to him "if you think she is gorgeous, you should see my wife!"
He then said to me "Why? Is she a stunner too?"
I then said "No, she is an optometrist"
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