Keep Laughing Forever With These Hilarious Animal Jokes
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard! Its the best thing for a hot dog.
Policeman: "Excuse me Mr, but were you aware that your dog has been chasing a guy on his bike"
Dog Owner: "Are you nuts? My dog is not even able to ride a bike"
Why did the Eskimo name his dog "Frost"?
Because "Frost" bites.
Which dog always knows what time it is?
A watch dog.
Why is a noisy yappy dog like a tree?
They both have a lot of bark.
What do you have if you breed a cocker spaniel with a poodle and a rooster?
Why do dogs make terrible dancers?
Because most of them have 2 left feet.
How is a dog like a marine biologist?
Well, one of them wags his tail and the other tags his whales.
What did the Dalmatian say after he ate his yummy dog dinner?
MMM, that hit the spots.
What kind of dog is the quietest sleeper of all?
A hush puppy.
What do you call a magical dog?
What do you call a dog that was born with no legs?
It really doesn't matter, he ain't coming.
I used a spot remover on my dog.....
A little fish walks into a bar. The bartender asks the fish "What can I get you?"
The little fish replies (gasping) "Water! I need water!"
2 Parrots are sitting on a perch.
One bird asks the other one "Does something smell a little fishy to you?"
Why don't fish like playing basket ball?
They are terrified of nets.
Two fish swim in a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "Dam".
Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
How many tickles will it takes to make an octopus laugh?
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand. (beatles reference)
What do you call a fish who is missing an eye?
Where do you find a fish in orbit?
2 fish are in a tank, one says to the other one "I'll drive, you can shoot the guns"
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line
Which country do fish like to go for a vacation?
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can't tuna piano
What kind of fish eats mice?
Why are dolphins smarter than humans?
In the space of 2 hours they can train a persons to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.
What day of the week do all fish dislike the most?
I sometimes just go fishing for the halibut!
What do penguins sing at their birthday parties?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
The other day a police officer pulls over a man driving a bus over and walks on up to the side windows and he sees 20 penguins in there.
The officer questions the man "sir, are these your penguins?"
The man replies "yep, they are my pet penguins"
The officer then says "sir, I am going to need you to take those penguins to the zoo immediately!"
The man says "ok" to the officer and he drives off towards the zoo.
The following day the officer pulls over the same bus and is shocked to see the same 20 penguins inside all wearing sunglasses.
The officer looks sternly at the driver and says "I thought I ordered you to take these penguins to the zoo?"
The man replies "I did, and today we are all going to the beach!"
A local bartender was working late one friday night when a patron comes running through the door.
Patron: "HELP! I need to know how tall a penguin is!"
The bartender puts out his hand and says "probably this tall"
The patron looks terribly concerned and he says "Oh no! I think I just ran over a nun!"
A penguin walks into a chemist and requests to purchase a pack of condoms.
The chemist asks him "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
The penguin replies "I'm not that kind of penguin"
A penguin was driving his car one hot summers day when it suddenly breaks down.
He takes it to the nearest mechanic to get it fixed. The mechanic says "I'm sorry but it is going to take 2 hours to repair it".
The penguin is really hot so asks the mechanic if there is a place nearby where he might be able to cool off.
The mechanic says "yes, there is an ice cream cafe 100 metres up the road there".
The penguin thanks him and waddles on up to the ice cream parlour to enjoy a nice big vanilla flavoured ice cream.
After enjoying his ice cream he waddles back to see the mechanic who says to him "Hey there, it looks like you have blown a seal"
The penguin replies "No no no, it is just vanilla ice cream"
What is black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin who is stuck in a revolving door.
Why is it best for 2 penguins who are stuck in a nest to always be nice and respectful to one another?
They don't want to fall out.
Who is every penguin's favourite musical artists?
Seal. They also enjoy sole music.
Which fish do penguins eat late at night time?
What did Mr Morgan Freeman have to say when a bunch of penguins told him that they thought he was a great narrator in March of the Penguins?
Morgan: "What was I doing narrating if Penguins are able to speak?"
What is black, white and red all over? (multiple answers)
A penguin with chicken pox
A very embarrassed penguin
A sunburnt penguin
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A penguin falling down a hill.
Why do penguins always carry their fish in their beaks?
Because they don't have any pockets.
Giraffes are hard working and make amazing employees. Only problem is their neck ties cost $5000.
A zoo keeper walks into a bar with his very old pet giraffe.
They have a few drinks and all of a sudden the giraffe drops dead to the floor.
The zoo keeper is upset and goes to leave the bar.
The bartender yells at him "you can leave that lying there"
The zoo keeper replies " that is not a lion, that is a giraffe" and walks out.
Why is a giraffes neck so long?
Because his head is so far away from his body of course.
Did you hear about the giraffe that learned karate?
He looked like a god dam idiot.
What is a giraffes favourite fruit?
The worst thing about being a giraffe is vomiting after you drank too much! Ewww
The worst thing about being a male giraffe is having your neck being the only long part of your body.
The worst thing about being a giraffe is having a sore throat
The worst thing about being a giraffe is that your coffee gets cold by the time it reaches your belly.
The worst thing about being a giraffe is needing 100 Heimlich manouvres when you are choking.
The worst part about being a giraffe is knowing that once you put on a necklace it is there for life!
A lion and a giraffe are meeting at the zoo
Lion: "You are late! We said meet at sunset!"
Giraffe: "I can still see the sun you midget"
What is green and hangs high up from trees.
What is the difference between a John Deere tractor and a male giraffe?
One has hydraulics and the other has high bollocks
Why do you hardly ever hear a giraffe apologising?
It takes them too long to swallow their pride.
I had a teacher back in primary school called Mr Turtle.
A very odd name but he tortoise well.
Why is a tortoise not able to stand up?
Because they have a reptile dysfunction
John: Hey Bob, what was the snapping turtle doing on the highway?
Bob: I don't know?
John: About 1 kilometer per hour
What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a tortoise?
A slow poke.
I walked into my local bookshop last week and queried if they had any books about my favourite animals which are turtles.
The bookshop lady asked "hard back?"
I replied "yep with small heads"
Where do turtles always go to buy petrol?
The shell station
Timmy the turtle climbed up the tree with a look of sheer determination in his eyes. He finally made it to the top and walked out on a branch, he then proceeded to jump off the branch waving his arms and legs are hard as he could.
THUD! Timmy hit the deck and started bleeding and earned himself a black eye, he then started to climb the tree again.
Mummy blackbird turns to daddy blackbird and says "honey, I think it is time we told Timmy that he is adopted".
A big grey elephant was drinking out of a river when he saw a snapping turtle lying asleep on a log. The elephant walks up to the turtles and boots it clean over the river to the other side.
"Why did you do that?" asked a nearby beaver.
"Because I remember that this little thing that took a bite out of me fifty years ago" says the elephant.
"Wowsers, that is some memory!" says the beaver.
"Indeed" says the elephant, "turtle recall".
A turtle is minding his own business walking down the road when he is mugged by two snails. He is absolutely shell-shocked.
When the police arrive and ask him what happened, the turtle replies "I don't know sir, it all happened so quickly"
My auntie was killed by a stampede of turtles.
It was a very slow death.
Jim walks into a bar with his dog and he notices a man who is sitting at a table with a turtle and a big wad of money in front of him.
Jim asks the dude with the turtle "how did you get all of that money there?"
The man replies "I have the fastest tortoise in the world, nobody's pet can beat him in a race"
Jim replies "I bet my dog is faster than your turtle, I bet you a hundred dollars he can beat your turtle to the wall on the other side of the room"
The turtle man says "ok, it is a bet"
The bartender counts down the start to the race 3... 2... 1... go!
The dog takes off quickly towards the wall at a great speed.
The turtle man picks up his tortoise and throws it at the wall, picks it up and says "thanks for the race, and the hundred bucks"
I'm not a vegan or anything but I think it is pretty messed up that they sweaters from turtle necks.
I was told to stop eating fast food.
I now just eat turtles
A turtle strolls into a restaurant for a light lunch and decides on the soup.
The server says to him "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve a turtle soup in this restaurant".
I took my son to the zoo and the little guy asks me "why are those turtles playing piggy banks?"
At this moment I knew I had to tell him "son, those are called tortoises"
Jokes About Various Other Animals
Two dairy cows are beside one another in a field.
Cow 1: "I was artificially impregnated this afternoon."
Cow 2: "Look buddy, I just don't believe you"
Cow 1: "It really is true, straight up, no bull!"
Did you hear about the crazy Aussie scientist who decided to crossbreed a porcupine with a sheep?
He made an animal that is able to knit its own sweaters.
If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck, feet like a duck and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it is not a platypus.
What happened to the frog's motorcar when the engine blew up?
It was eventually toad away.
Q: What did the goose say when he purchased a new lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill please."
Q: Is a kangaroo able to jump higher than the Eiffel tower?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Q: Why did the team of witches always lose their cricket matches?
A: Their bats kept flying away.
Q: Why didn't the leopard enjoy playing hide and seek?
A: Because he was spotted all the time.
Q. What did the elephant say to the man wearing no clothes?
A. "How are you able to breathe through something so tiny?"
Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.
Q: What karate move does a pig do best?
A: A pork chop.
Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days. The lion starts hunting the two men. The men sprint as fast as they can until of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He turns to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Overjoyed to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads toward the lion. As he nears closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
Where do mice park their boats?
At the hickory dickory dock.
How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night time?
With flood lighting
Roses are red, violets are blue, I am the walrus, Coo coo cachoo (only Beatles fans will get this one!)