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Funny Kiwi Jokes And New Zealand Jokes!
(scroll down for Kiwi jokes or pick another category instead)
I recently went on a vacation to New Zealand. I had an amazing time there but everyone kept pointing out my religion. Every person I ran into said "hebrew".
What did one kiwi statue say to the other kiwi statue?
Did you hear about the amazing mountain ranges in Southern NZ?
They are Remarkable.
A bad kiwi uber driver drove all the way from NZ to Australia.
He only got 2 stars.
You Know You're A Kiwi When
You end most of your sentences by saying "eh"
When you hear "sweet as" you know it has nothing to do with taste.
The correct name for flip flops is Jandals.
The beehive actually has no bees in it.
You are 100% sure that the pavlova is a kiwi creation.
You can't trust Aussies because of the underarm bowling incident.
You know that whakapapa sounds like a swear word but actually isn't.
A dairy is something that actually has very little to do with dairy.
Jokes About New Zealanders
Note: We have jokes about Aussies here if you kiwis need some firepower.
Q: What do you call a Kiwi with a hundred lovers?
A: A shepherd.
Kiwi scientists have made a breakthrough discovery and discovered 2 new uses for New Zealand sheep?
For both meat and wool.
Q: I asked a kiwi how many sexual partners he had had...
A: He fell asleep counting.
Q: Whats the difference between a smart Kiwi and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters
Q: Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
A: Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep.
An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke? The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks." "The guy next to me is 1.85m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock." "Next to him is a bloke who's 2m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower.
Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"
The Aussie bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."
Q: Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world? A: A: Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep.
Q: What do two kiwi's say after breaking up?
A: Lets just be cousins.
Q: Why do the Kiwi's make better lovers than the Aussies?
A: Because Kiwi's are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.
An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun and shoots the watch to pieces.
He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice".
The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says "Will bro, en Niw Zilland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice".
The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.
A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The Kiwi says, "You're bull****ting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the New Zealand beauty contest?
A: Me neither.
What is a Kiwi's defense in court? "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
Q: How do Kiwi's find sheep in long grass?
An australian went into a bar and sat next to a kiwi who was chewing gum. The kiwi chewing the gum asked the auzzie if they eat bread in australia, The auzzie said "Of course, we eat the inside of the bread and take the outside and recycle it then make cereal with it for kiwis." Then the kiwi chewing on the gum asked if they ate bananas in australia Then the auzzie said, "Well of course we eat the inside and recycle the rest and make smoothies for kiwis." Then the kiwi chewing the gum asked 1 more question "do you have sex in australia:" The man said yes "we use condoms for sex and when we finish with them we recycle it and make gum for kiwis".
Q: Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?
A: They eat all the grass.
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
New Zealander: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at New Zealander
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
New Zealander: (look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
New Zealander: (extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at New Zealander)
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
New Zealander: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
If you haven't seen this funny New Zealand drug driving ad the you are in for a treat. It is 10 outta 10 on the funny scale.
What is the difference between Kiwis and Aussies? Find out here