The Best Fart Jokes For 2024

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Fart Jokes

 

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Drunk walks in a bar and says, "I'll fart the Star Spangle Banner for two beers." Bartender says, "Go for it!" Drunk climbs on the bar, people gather round. The drunk then drops his pants, gets on all fours and proceeds to shit all over the bar. "Wait a minute," the bartender says, "What in the hell did you do that for?" Without missing a beat the drunk replies, "Hey, even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before performing!

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There is an English class of 5/6 year olds who are being taught how to use the word definitely, so the teacher says "Can any of you give me a sentence where you use the word definitely correctly?"

First pupil goes "My mummy goes to the shops before getting me from school and always buys me a cookie, so I will definitely have a cookie when I get home"

Teacher replies "Well, she way not as she could be running late or forget, or your dad could pick you up because she was in a car crash so it isn't completely certain." (She's an awful teacher)

Second student says "My parents definitely love me"

The teacher says "Well, they might not you can't know that for certain so it isn't an accurate use of the word." (see, bitch - child runs out and spends a lifetime in counselling, but that's outside the joke)

Then a student sitting at the back shouts out "Miss, are farts heavy?"

She says "well, no."

The pupil replies "Then I definitely just shat myself"

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A man is standing in line at the theater and this crusty bum next to him stinks in the worst way.

"I say old chap, have you farted?" he asks.

"No!" says the bum.

A few minutes go by and the stench continues in waves..

"My dear man, are you SURE you haven't farted? asks the man.

"No!" repeats the bum.

Inside, the man takes his seat and as luck would have it the bum sits right next to him. The odor is breathtaking.

"Well," days the man, "If you haven't farted, have you shat your pants?"

The bum leans over and says with a wink, "Now yer talkin'!"

 

 

 

 

I used to tell a lot of jokes about farting until everybody told me that they stunk.

 

 

 

I sit here broken hearted, came to poop but only farted.

Then one day I took a chance, tried to fart and pooped my pants.

 

 

 

What is the smelliest type of jacket you can buy?

A windbreaker.

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Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, reduces anxiety and helps you to live longer.

Until they start to fart in their sleep.

 

 

 

I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

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A human fart can be louder than a saxophone solo.

I found that out at my daughters school concert.

 

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I have just released my own fragrance.

Nobody in the car seemed to like it.

 

 

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Two fly's are standing on a piece of dog crap having their breakfast when all of a sudden the first fly farts. The second one says to him "do you mind! I am eating my breakfast here!"

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What is invisible and has the distinct scent of old worms?

Bird farts.

 

 

 

What is the best measurement for a fart to weigh?

Definitely zero grams, anything more and things start getting messy.

 

 

 

What is the definition of risky?

Attempting to do a one cheek sneak when you are have had diarrhea earlier the same day.

 

 

 

I recently got fired from my job delivering pamphlets on "The Art Of Silent Farting".

Everything was going great until I let one rip.

 

 

 

I think I did the worst fart I have ever done this week. It was so bad that my co-worker had to open a window, that may not sound impressive at first but we are air hostesses.

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My wife said that she wanted to heat things up between us in the bed.

So I farted underneath the blankets.

 

 

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What did the maxipad sing to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

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Three men were having lunch on the fourth floor of an army building. The first man took a bite of a apple then said it was too soft so he hurled it out of the window the second man took a bite of a lemon and said it was too sour so he hurled it out of the window. The third man was really drunk, he took a bite of a grenade and thought it was to crunchy so he threw it out the window then one of them went downstairs he saw a dog laying on the ground dead! the apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap it had died because the lemon fell out the window and smacked it in the head! Finally there was a old dude laughing, when asked why he was laughing he replied “I farted and the building behind me blew up”.

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Why didn't anyone laugh when the king farted?

It was a noble gas.

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What type of educating professional will never fart in a public area?

A private tutor/tooter.

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A wife had grown tired of her partner doing smelly loud farts in their bed each night.  She has an idea to teach him a lesson. When her husband is still asleep she puts some meat cuts that she purchased at the butchers underneath the blankets by her husbands bottom.

A little while later she hears her husband squeeze out a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, “Babe, you were right when you said that one day I would fart my guts out. Boy it took me a long time to put them back in”.

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Children are similar to farts, you can only put up with your own.

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Who is the smelliest boxer of all time?

Gassiess Clay.

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Confusious Say “man who sit in church and fart must sit in pew”.

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Hey, I never farted! My ass just blew you a kiss.

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Why did no one laugh when the King farted in front of his court?

Because noble gasses do not cause reactions.

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Why are Apple Store employees never allowed to fart at work?

They have no windows.

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Why did the mechanic fart?

The car he was working on just needed a little gas.

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