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Funny Pirate Jokes And Puns!

(scroll down for Pirate Jokes or pick another category instead)

What did the pirate say when he found his wooden leg in the freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?

An expert pirate.

What do you call a pirate with 2 arms and 2 legs?

A beginner.

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said, “Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said: “Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said, “Aye, a bird came by and left droppings in me eye.”

The sailor said, “That’s not as impressive as the other two. …”

“Aye,” the pirate answered. “It was me first day with the hook.”

Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.




What do pirates wear when it gets really cold?

Long Johns.




How do ye turn a pirate furious?
Take away the ‘p’.

Why did nobody want to play cards with the pirate?
Because he was standing on the deck.

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer.

Why are pirates pirates?

Because they Arrrrrrgh!


What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?
A pirate buries his treasure, but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries.

Happy Cartoon Pirate


​​​How did the pirate call his mate?

On his aye phone.

The First Mate Says “Captain they be going 1.151 miles faster than us, that be Crazy”

The Captain replies, "oooh arrr that be knots"

Why don't pirates like travelling on mountain roads?





Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? 

Because they can spend years at C!





Did you hear about the one handed pirate who heard a rumor that a group of skunks were going to sink his ship?

He fell for it hook, line and stinker.




What’s a pirates favourite type of music? 

Rum & Bass!

Which element on the periodic table does a pirate like the best?


No, hang on...


What would Santa say if he was a pirate?

Yo ho ho ho.





Why did the pirate go on holiday?

He was in serious need of some Aaaaaar and Aaaaaaar.

Why did the pirate have to go to the apple store?

To get a new Ipatch.

A pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The Bartender says “you know what? t A couple of days ago I saw a pirate with a cow on his shoulder?”

The pirate says “Yarrr I bet he don’t know how to milk a parrot”

What do you call a pirate who has three eyes?





Where did the pirate purchase his hook?

At the 2nd hand store of course.

What is a pirates least favourite letter.

Your boat has been impounded due to unpaid loan repayments.

Why do pirates really like pizza?

Because it usually comes in pieces o' eight.

Blackbeards friend Bluebeard was killed in battle, how did he bring him back to life?

With Sea Pee Arrrrgh.

I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.

He constantly is trying to find X

The pirate had spent a lot of time in the sun so he decided to go to the skin clinic and get the moles on his back checked out by a specialist.

The specialist takes a close look at them and says "it is ok, they're benign"

The pirate replies "Check again, I think there be eleven"





Why don't pirates like spaghetti?

Arrgh it scurvy.





What did Blackbeard say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

Why do pirates never come back after losing a hand?

Because they are far too busy playing hooky.

What do pirates like to eat in the the summertime?


Where do pirates go to get their fast food?


Why don't pirates with a hook on the end of their arm like helping others?

They find it extremely hard to lend a hand.

How do geriatric pirates get around?

With Davy Jones Walker.

Why did the dyslexic baker join the pirate crew passing through town?

He thought it was being led by Captain Blackbread.

How do pirates discipline their children?




Why are pirates so angry when they come back from the toilet?

After the p has gone they become irate.

What do pirates wear when it gets cold?

Arrr-gyle sweaters.

Why are pirates never cremated when they die?

They always bury their booty.

What does a pirate use to blow stuff up?

His M-80's.

Why did the pirate put a mouldy old piece of fruit on his shoulder?

So he could talk to his pear-rot.

What do you call a pirate that uses a pumpkin as a belt?

A squash buckler

Why do you never ever see pirates crying?

They like their private-tears.

What do you call a pirates sword that is completely blunt?

A cut-less

What did the pirate say when he did his baby's gender reveal to his first mate?

A boy matey!

A pirate walks into a bar, it was at that moment that the pirate realised that he he was wearing his eyepatch on the wrong eye.

Why did the man pirate divorce his woman pirate wife?

They were arrrguing too much.

I was halfway through writing a movie script about a pirate that kept on losing his wooden leg. It turns out there is already a film called "footloose".


Why do pirates enjoy going to the optometrist?

They always get to do an aye exam.

What is a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet?

P, because it is like an Arrrr but missing a leg.

What dish do pirates order when they go to the seafood restaurant?

Pieces of skate.




What is a Pirates favourite internet sensation?


Why do Pirates carry swords.

Because swords can't walk.

Did you hear about the famous pirate that stole from the rich and gave to the poor?

His name was Robin Hook.

Why did the pirate have to visit the doctor?

He had a bad case of termites.

A red and a blue pirate ship just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.

Why did the pirate have to walk the plank?

Because he couldn't afford a dog.

A slice of apple pie is $2 in Jamaica and $3 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Airport security caught me hiding a pirate in my luggage.

They are going to make a movie about it called "pirates of the carry on" 

Dirty Pirate Jokes

Why don’t pirates go to strip clubs? 

Because they already have all the booty!

Why did the pirate confuse all of his Tinder dates?

They couldn't figure out if he was blinking or winking.





Why did Bluebeard offend so many ladies?

He kept getting slapped each time he said yo-ho 

The famous pirate Blackbeard walks into a bar and he has a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch region. "Ooh Arrr, give me a pint of ye finest ale!" he says.

The bartender, checks out Blackbeard and asks him "what happened? why have you got a ship's wheel stuck to your pants?"

"Me ship was a'tossin in the storm! Things got outta control and I snagged 'er  on me jolly rogers."

The concerned bartender, is a helpful man and says, "Well let me help you there" and he grabs the wheel and started twisting it to help get it off.

"Aaaaaar!" screams Blackbeard "yer driving me nuts!"





Why did the pirate get a gym membership?

So he could improve his booty and his chest.

Did you hear about the pirate drug addict?

He was completely hooked.

What did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?

An arm and a leg.




What did the first mate see down the toilet? 

The Captains log!

Captain hook is now dead. Do you know how he was killed?

He wiped his bum with the wrong hand.

What is a gay pirates favourite hobby?

Sailing the 7 D's.

What did the pirate say to the flying hooker?

Land ho.

Why stop laughing now? Check out our other joke categories or

our funny news section.

Pirate Memes

Here are our favourite all time Pirate Memes. A collection of some regular Pirate Memes and also some Pirates of The Carribean ones too. Enjoy mateys!

Cat Pirate Meme
Arkansas Pirate Meme
Table Leg Pirate Meme

Pirates Of The Carribean Memes

Boy George, Pirates Of The Carribean Meme
Jack Sparrow Rum - Pirates Of The Carribean MemeMeme
Pirates of The Carribean, Jack Sparrow Toilet Paper Meme

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