Keep Laughing Forever with these Funny Pirate Jokes And Puns!

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What did the pirate say when he found his wooden leg in the freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

 

 

What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?

An expert pirate.

What do you call a pirate with 2 arms and 2 legs?

A beginner.

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said, “Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said: “Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”

The sailor pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, “How did you get that?”

The pirate said, “Aye, a bird came by and left droppings in me eye.”

The sailor said, “That’s not as impressive as the other two. …”

“Aye,” the pirate answered. “It was me first day with the hook.”

 

 

Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

 

 

 

How do ye turn a pirate furious?
Take away the ‘p’.

 

 

 

Why did nobody want to play cards with the pirate?
Because he was standing on the deck.

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer.

Why are pirates pirates?

Because they Arrrrrrgh!

What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?
A pirate buries his treasure, but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries.

 

​​​How did the pirate call his mate?

On his aye phone.

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? 

Because they can spend years at C!

 

 

 

 

What’s a pirates favourite type of music? 

Rum & Bass!

​​

Which element on the periodic table does a pirate like the best?

Arrrrrgon!

No, hang on...

Gold!!!!

What would Santa say if he was a pirate?

Yo ho ho ho.

 

 

 

 

Why did the pirate go on holiday?

He was in serious need of some Aaaaaar and Aaaaaaar.

Why did the pirate have to go to the apple store?

To get a new Ipatch.

A pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The Bartender says “you know what? t A couple of days ago I saw a pirate with a cow on his shoulder?”

The pirate says “Yarrr I bet he don’t know how to milk a parrot”

Where did the pirate purchase his hook?

At the 2nd hand store of course.

What is a pirates least favourite letter.

Your boat has been impounded due to unpaid loan repayments.

Why do pirates really like pizza?

Because it usually comes in pieces o' eight.

Blackbeards friend Bluebeard was killed in battle, how did he bring him back to life?

With Sea Pee Arrrrgh.

I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.

He constantly is trying to find X

The pirate had spent a lot of time in the sun so he decided to go to the skin clinic and get the moles on his back checked out by a specialist.

The specialist takes a close look at them and says "it is ok, they're benign"

The pirate replies "Check again, I think there be eleven"

 

 

 

 

Why don't pirates like spaghetti?

Arrgh it scurvy.

 

 

 

 

What did Blackbeard say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

 

 

 


 

Dirty Pirate Jokes

Why don’t pirates go to strip clubs? 

Because they already have all the booty!

Why did the pirate confuse all of his Tinder dates?

They couldn't figure out if he was blinking or winking.

 

 

 

 

Why did Bluebeard offend so many ladies?

He kept getting slapped each time he said yo-ho 

The famous pirate Blackbeard walks into a bar and he has a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch region. "Ooh Arrr, give me a pint of ye finest ale!" he says.

The bartender, checks out Blackbeard and asks him "what happened? why have you got a ship's wheel stuck to your pants?"

"Me ship was a'tossin in the storm! Things got outta control and I snagged 'er  on me jolly rogers."

The concerned bartender, is a helpful man and says, "Well let me help you there" and he grabs the wheel and started twisting it to help get it off.

"Aaaaaar!" screams Blackbeard "yer driving me nuts!"

 

 

 

 

Why did the pirate get a gym membership?

So he could improve his booty and his chest.

What did the first mate see down the toilet? 

The Captains log!

Captain hook is now dead. Do you know how he was killed?

He wiped his bum with the wrong hand.

What is a gay pirates favourite hobby?

Sailing the 7 D's.

Read one of our Funny Articles below or check out our other Joke Categories here.

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