Little Johnny Jokes
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Teacher: "How far have you gone with your homework Johnny?"
Little Johnny: "About 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning."
Little Johnny's neighbour just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears.
When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ears.
Johnnys dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the hiding of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood and agreed not to mention the babys lack of ears.
Johnny looks in the basonet and says "Wow, what a beautiful baby." The mother replies, 'Why, Thanks Johnny." Johnny says: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Is he able to see alright?"
"Yes", says the mum, "we are so grateful, the Doctor said he will have perfect vision."
"That is great", says Little Johnny, "cause he'd be stuffed if he needed glasses!"
Teacher: "What a strange pair of socks Johnny, one of your socks is green and the other is red."
Johnny: "Yes, it is very strange. I have another pair at home exactly the same."
Little Johnny was doing his maths homework. He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."
" And is this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asks. "Yes," Johnny replies.
The mother is now angry and immediately phones Johnny's teacher, "What on earth are you teaching my son in class?" she asks.
The teacher replies, "Right now, we are learning mathematical addition."
The mother asks, "And are you teaching them to say one plus six, that son of a bitch is seven?"
After the teacher stopped laughing hysterically, she answers, "What I taught them to say was, one plus six, the sum of which is seven."
Little Johnny's teacher says to him, "Johnny! your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's!"
Did you just copy hers?, she asks.
Johnny says, "No, teacher, it is the same dog!"
Little Johnny was in bible study one morning. Sally was sleeping in front of johnny.
The teacher asks Sally who our Lord and savior was. Little Johnny pokes her in the ass with a pin and she yells "Jesus Christ!" And falls back to sleep.
A little while later the teacher asks Sally who created our world. Johnny poked her in the ass again with a pin and she screams "my god!" And falls back to sleep.
Later the teacher asks Sally what Eve said to Adam after they had their fourth child. Johnny pokes her in the ass with the pin again and Sally screams "if you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it!" The teacher faints.
Little Johnny's class was learning vocabulary in Health class, thanks in large part to Johnny's use of obscene words. The teacher was going down the list, asking students to use the words in a sentence.
"Rectum," she said, and Johnny eagerly waved his hand, but she had some experience with Johnny, so she called on Susie instead.
The next word was "defecate," and again, she thought it best not to call on Johnny despite his enthusiastically raised hand.
Finally, she came to "urinate," and figured Johnny couldn't do much harm with that one. Sure enough, he raised his hand, practically leaping out of his desk to make sure she saw him. "Ok, fine, Johnny," she said reluctantly.
"Urinate," Johnny said. "Teacher, urinate. But if your boobs were bigger, you'd be a 9."
Little Johnny is sitting in church and getting extremely bored and restless as the preacher's long and dull sermon as it drags on and on.
Not able to take it anymore, he leans over to his dad and whispers in his ear, "Hey, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Little Johnny was struggling with his school grades. One day he surprises his teacher with an announcement. He walks up to her and says, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"
"of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".
"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"
"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over the driveway, dad said 'it's going to take the contagious to pick all that up'."
Teacher: "Now Little Johnny, be honest, do you say your prayers every night before dinner?"
Johnny: "No miss, my mother is a really good cook."
Teacher: "Does anybody know what we call a person who keeps talking when nobody else is interested?"
Little Johnny: "A teacher miss."
Teacher: "Little Johnny, how do you spell "elephant"?"
Little Johnny: "E-L-E-F-A-N-T"
Teacher: "No Johnny, that in incorrect."
Johnny: "Maybe it is wrong Miss but you asked how I spell it."
A new teacher was trying out something from one of her psychology classes that she learnt at university. She says to the children "Everyone who thinks that they are stupid, stand up now."
After a little while Johnny stands up.
The teacher asks him "why did you stand up Johnny? Do you really think you are stupid?"
Johnny replies "No Miss, but I hated seeing you standing there all by yourself".
Teacher: "Johnny, I want you to say a sentence that begins with the letter i"
Little Johnny: "i is..."
Teacher interupts: no Johnny, always say "I am".
Little Johnny: "Ok Miss... i am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Johnny: "Dad, have you ever been to Egypt?"
Dad: "No son, why do you ask?"
Johnny: "Well where did you find our mummy?"
Little Johnny's teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child. She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says "Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way."
Little Johnny looks up to her and says "Well miss, you can't say that you weren't warned."
Teacher: "Now class, stop acting silly and start behaving, god is everywhere you know."
Bobby: "Is god in this classroom right now?"
Teacher: "Yes, Bobby."
Jenny: "Is god outside in the playground?"
Teacher: "Yes Jenny."
Johnny: "Is god in my back garden?"
Teacher: "Yes Johnny."
Johnny: "But I don't have a back garden miss."
Some of the older neighbourhood boys have been making fun of Little Johnny lately. There latest trick is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Johnny always takes the nickel and the older boys laugh at him.
One day a neighbour sees what is going on and approaches Little Johnny and says "those boys are making fun of you Johnny, don't you realise that a dime is bigger than a nickel?"
Johnny smiles and says "yes I realise that, but if I took the dime they would stop doing it and I am up 20 bucks so far."
Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face and he asks her "why are you rubbing that stuff on your face mother?"
His mother replies "to make myself beautiful Johnny."
A few minutes later she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her "What is the matter? Are you giving up?"
Little Johnny returns from the supermarket with his mother. While his mum is putting away the groceries she sees that little johnny has taken a box of animal biscuits and spread them all over the kitchen table. His mother asks "What on earth are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies "The box says that you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken, I am looking for the broken seal."
During the concert little Johnny sits in the front row waiting for the concert to begin.
A friend asks "Johnny, how did you manage to get a ticket to the concert?"
Johnny replies "I got a ticket from my sister."
The friend asks "and where is your sister?"
Johnny says "Back at home, looking for her ticket."
Teacher: "Little Johnny, you are late to class again."
Johnny: "But miss, you said that it is never too late to learn."
Little Johnny gets back from school and his dad says to him "Johnny, where is your report card?"
Johnny replies "sorry dad, I don't have it". His father is furious and says "why not?"
Johnny replies "I lent it to my friend, he wanted to scare his parents."
Little Johnny is back at school after holidays. After a few days his teacher calls up Little Johnnys dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school. His dad says to the teacher "Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved."
Little Johnny asks his mother for $20. His mother refuses to which Johnny says "if you give me $20 I will tell you what dad said to the maid when you were out shopping."
Johnny's mother says "ok Johnny, here is 20 dollars. Now what did your father say to the maid?"
Johnny replies "Hey Doris, can you make sure that I have a clean shirt for tomorrow."
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
The teacher decided to ask the class a riddle. "Does anyone know how to put 2 holes into one hole?".
None of the children knew the answer so it was their homework to go home and figure out how to put 2 holes into one.
The kids came back the next day and still, none of them knew the answer.
"I will show you the answer now children" says the teacher as he looks pretty chuffed with himself. He proceeds to hold his pointer finger against his thumb making a little ring. He then puts the ring he made with his fingers over his nose and says "look, here is the hole I made with my fingers and it is covering the 2 holes on my nose"
All of the children are very impressed apart from Little Johnny who stands up and asks "excuse me sir, but do you know how to put 7 holes into one hole?"
The teacher replies "I have no idea Johnny, why don't you tell us how do you put 7 holes into one hole?"
Little Johnny replies "you simply sit on your recorder sir".
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