Keep Laughing Forever with these hilariously Funny Food Jokes!

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I just burned 2000 calories.

That is the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

How does Moses make tea?

He brews

 

 

My sister bet me that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says "can you make me one with everything"

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink

Turns out it was the fridge

​​​Q: What do you call a sad strawberry?

A: A blueberry

Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?

A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

 

 

 

Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?

A: Lettuce get together!

 

 

 

Q: What did the Egg say to the boiling water?

A: It's going to take a little while to get me hard I just got laid by some chick! 

 

 

Q: Why did the students eat their homework?

A: Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

 

 

 

Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?

A: Because they cantaloupe.

 

 

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job?

A: Because it was soda pressing.

Q: What do you call the king of vegetables?

A: Elvis Parsley.

 

 

 

Q: What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden

A: Seizure salad

 

 

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

 

 

Q: "What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?"

A: "I want you inside me!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q: What happens if life gives you melons?

A: Your dyslexic

This morning I saw that someone had dropped a lot of celery outside my bedroom window.

I think I am being stalked.

 

 

 

Q: What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig?

A: Pulled-Pork

 

 

 

Q: Why are men like coffee?

A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

 

 

 

Q: "What do tofu and a dildo have in common?"

A: "They are both meat substitutes!"

 

 

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password

It's not stroganoff.

I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there is a salad dressing inside.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plant.

You have probably never heard of herbivore.

If anyone gets a message about canned meat from me, do NOT open it!

It is spam.

A man walks into his doctors office and starts complaining about a sore bum.

Upon examination the doctor says "buddy, there is a lettuce sticking out of your bum!"

The man replies "That is only the tip of the iceberg"

I bought my wife a new refrigerator for Christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I went to an extremely emotional wedding last weekend, even the wedding cake was in tiers.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It was not peeling well.

My brother just threw a carton of milk at me.

How dairy.

How do you introduce a hamburger?

Meat pattie.

I had a joke about a pizza I was going to tell you, but it was way too cheesy.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What kind of potato likes talking about sports?

A commontater

Did you hear about the explosion that occurred at the cheese factory in France?

Nothing was left except de-brie

I went shopping to purchase some candle holders. They didn't have any so I just bought a cake instead.

Wife: "Please go and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."

A little later on the husband walks in the front door with six cartons of milk.

Wife: "Why on earth did you buy six cartons of milk?"

Husband: "They had eggs"

A month before my uncle died he was covered in lard. From that point on, he went downhill fast.

When I was a child I had a strange illness which meant I had to eat dirt at least once a day so I didn't die in my sleep. I'm so grateful that my older sister was present to warn me about it.

I had an amazing surprise meal which I was secretly cooking for my girlfriend, unfortunately the firetrucks spoiled the surprise.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

I should have cooked it on Aloha temperature.

What did fifty cent do when he became hungry?

58

A German friend of mine tells me that they are panic buying sausages. Apparently it is a Wurst Kase scenario.

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