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Keep Laughing Forever with these Hilarious Turtle Jokes

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I had a teacher back in primary school called Mr Turtle.

A very odd name but he tortoise well.

Why is a tortoise not able to stand up?

Because they have a reptile dysfunction

​John: Hey Bob, what was the snapping turtle doing on the highway?

Bob: I don't know?

John: About 1 kilometer per hour

What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a tortoise?

A slow poke.

What do you get when you cross a turtle with a pig?

A slow pork.

I walked into my local bookshop last week and queried if they had any books about my favourite animals which are turtles.

The bookshop lady asked "hard back?"

I replied "yep with small heads"




Where do turtles always go to buy petrol?

The shell station

Timmy the turtle climbed up the tree with a look of sheer determination in his eyes. He finally made it to the top and walked out on a branch, he then proceeded  to jump off the branch waving his arms and legs are hard as he could.

THUD! Timmy hit the deck and started bleeding and earned himself a black eye, he then started to climb the tree again.

Mummy blackbird turns to daddy blackbird and says "honey, I think it is time we told Timmy that he is adopted".

A big grey elephant was drinking out of a river when he saw a snapping turtle lying asleep on a log.  The elephant walks up to the turtles and boots it clean over the river to the other side.

"Why did you do that?" asked a nearby beaver.

"Because I remember that this little thing that took a bite out of me fifty years ago" says the elephant.

"Wowsers, that is some memory!" says the beaver.

"Indeed" says the elephant, "turtle recall".

A turtle is minding his own business walking down the road when he is mugged by two snails. He is absolutely shell-shocked.

When the police arrive and ask him what happened, the turtle replies "I don't know sir, it all happened so quickly"

My auntie was killed by a stampede of turtles.

It was a very slow death.

Jim walks into a bar with his dog and he notices a man who is sitting at a table with a turtle and a big wad of money in front of him.

Jim asks the dude with the turtle "how did you get all of that money there?"

The man replies "I have the fastest tortoise in the world, nobody's pet can beat him in a race"

Jim replies "I bet my dog is faster than your turtle, I bet you a hundred dollars he can beat your turtle to the wall on the other side of the room"

The turtle man says "ok, it is a bet"

The bartender counts down the start to the race 3... 2... 1... go!

The dog takes off quickly  towards the wall at a great speed.

The turtle man picks up his tortoise and throws it at the wall, picks it up and says "thanks for the race, and the hundred bucks"

​I'm not a vegan or anything but I think it is pretty messed up that they sweaters from turtle necks.

I was told to stop eating fast food.

I now just eat turtles

A turtle strolls into a restaurant for a light lunch and decides on the soup.

The server says to him "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve a turtle soup in this restaurant".

I took my son to the zoo and the little guy asks me "why are those turtles playing piggy backs?"

At this moment I knew I had to tell him "son, those are called tortoises"

Q: What kind of photo did the turtle take on his iphone?
A: A shellfie

Q: What did the turtle do when he won the race?
A: He shellebrated!


Q: What do you call a turtle that that keeps pooping everywhere?
A: Turdel

Q: What happened to the turtle who wanted to go to university?
A: His parents had to shell out a lot of money.

Q: What should a turtle wear for safety when on a building site?
A: A shellmet

Where would you find a turtle with no limbs?

Exactly where you left him.

What do you call a tortoise that is electrocuted?

Shell shocked

This year I went to a halloween party with my girlfriend on my back.

A person at the party asked what I dressed up as.

I replied," A tortoise."

They then asked me "why do you have your girlfriend on your back then?"

I replied, "This is Michelle."

I had no idea turtles were so funny! Check out these funny turtles in the video below.

Funny Turtle One Liner Joke
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