Keep Laughing Forever Favourite Jokes

Keep Laughing Forever with these Funny One Liner Jokes!

 

​One difference between men and women is that when a woman says

"smell this", it usually smells nice.

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimers...

She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me!

I recently purchased a toilet brush.

Long story short I'm going back to toilet paper.

I just rang the council to get permission to have a skip outside my house.

She said go for it fatty, you could use the exercise.

At the age of 92 my grandma started walking 6km every day. She is now 95 and we have no idea where the hell she is.

I went for a walk with a girl the other day.

When she noticed me, we went for a run.

People say that love is the best feeling but I think that finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

 

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked suprised.

The shinbone is a device used for locating furniture in a dark room.

I almost dropped my phone on my soft carpeted floor, but thank god I have got lightning reflexes and was able to slap it into the wall instead.

A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

If you ever see me out jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV "don't go in there!, don't go in the church you moron!"

She is watching our wedding video again.

On Monday we start diarrhea awareness week.

It runs all week.

I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

I am not sure what scared him more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.

Dear Santa, I would like a new birthday suit this year.

My current one is old, wrinkled and sagging.

Did you hear about the burglar who fell into a cement mixer?

He was a hardened criminal

I am addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want..

I have a bad inferiority complex, but it is not a very good one.

People tell me that I am quite condescending

Lean in close

"That means I talk down to people"

The other day I saw a sign that said "Watch For Children".

I thought to myself, that sounds like a fair trade.

A gentleman gets home and is delighted when he finds out that all of his lightbulbs have been stolen.

You'd have to be pretty low to pickpocket a midget.

Hey, I just realised that whiteboards are remarkable

I found that if you tuck one part of your trousers into your sock people expect much less from you.

People who use selfie sticks need to take a long hard look at themselves.

I ate a watch yesterday, it was extremely time consuming.

Ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of rum.

Bartender says, sorry we don't serve spirits here.

When I was a kid, I literally thought that "This little piggy went to market" meant it went shopping.

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work"

I replied "don't worry, I've locked it".

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